Feed the Sponge


Close-up-Sponge-crab-Juvenile sponge crabs use their claws to cut pieces of sponge to size, and then carry them around on their backs for camouflage-A desperate sponge crab without a suitable sponge to cut, once carried around an old flip-flop.Juvenile Sponge Crab

Does a more hideous creature exist?

Often seen on moonless nights (or in darkened bedrooms ready to insinuate itself into a sleeper’s dream, quickly turning the dream into a nightmare), the Sponge Crab — also known as the Decorator Crab (if the person whose dream it is invading happens to be an artist) — wears a living piece of sponge as a disguise.

Although the Sponge Crab keeps hidden during daylight hours, it secretly monitors the actions of gossipers, and absorbs each and every whisper and innuendo into its sponge.

The Sponge Crab, it has been observed, seeks out the sterile, yet dust ridden, surrounds of metropolitan business offices. The dark area beneath the desk of a rumor monger (amid the predictable clutter of used high heel shoes, Handiwipes canisters and extra umbrellas) presents an uncanny attraction for this terrible creature. It knows on which side its sponge is whetted.

Psychological studies have shown that “artificial daylight” — i.e. the piercing harsh florescence illuminating most work places (except maybe day spas) — does indeed qualify as “actual daylight” according to the DSM V (thereby conjuring images of rolling green hills, puffy clouds and the Von Trapp singers, all of them reportedly effective remedies for sufferers of SAD).

A typical office worker, therefore, has little reason to be depressed or exhausted (or SAD) even if she does loathe her job and its attendant clique of gossipers as mean spirited as a jar full of bees.

Because —  it’s always bright in there!

So it makes sense that the existential isolation, absence of windows and fresh air, and dearth of joie de vivre of the typical business office is a perfect feeding ground for the sponge.

Sometimes, at the end of the day — do not be alarmed — the Sponge Crab will follow you home. It knows where you sleep.

After a mind numbing day at the office, the Sponge Crab is weighted down, too. It needs to unload some of the misery on you.

Notice the expanse of its sponge:

Possible ways of ridding your life of the Sponge Crab (listed below in order of feasibility):

Self-Employment. Unemployment. Bank Robbery. Hedge Fund Management.

“A rumor goes in one ear and out many mouths” says the old Chinese proverb.

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