Broken In(To)

Cost of these jeans: $320 (clean, w/out holes and tears and shreds) — or $620 (if you want them to look like jeans in the photo)

It’s funny, but when I’m sitting at my computer unsure what to blog about, a cursory scan of The New York Times never fails to provide a little grist for the mill.

In this morning’s paper, an article titled: “In SoHo Burglaries, a Case of a Taste for the Luxurious Things in Life” reports that pre-dawn thieves have been smashing their way into shops in fashionable neighborhoods — prying open doors with crowbars and shattering glass — and then making off, say, with a trove of $1,495 Michael Kors gold bags or scores of shredded, wildly expensive jeans.

The article just begs to to made fun of — mainly because the reaction of a certain shop associate (i.e., sales clerk) who works at Jean Shop (a victimized purveyor of denim) is so patently absurd.

A Mr. Brandwein  (an example of the product he sells is pictured above), for instance, has this to say about the thieves: “They weren’t pros. I don’t think they knew a lot about the store they were breaking into.”

Honor among thieves does not necessarily translate into “refined taste” or personal-shopper knowhow among thieves, according to Mr. Brandwein. He expounds on his earlier comment by observing that the stolen jeans “were of uncommon sizes and not the latest style.”

How humiliating for the thieves.

All of this begs the question: When it comes to jeans-full-of-holes, what constitutes “the latest” style”? The circumference of a hole? The transparency of the shred? The amount of bare skin peeking through?

Furthermore, as to thieves not being pros, these robber barons have been successfully staging robberies of this kind since August 2009.

I’d say they are reasonably good at what they do.

Let’s face it, if you’ve sunk so low that you are crowbarring your way into high-end SoHo designer boutiques, grabbing all you can in under thirty seconds and then tearing down the street hugging tightly to your loot — you are probably not stealing these items for your own personal use. Nor are you planning on fencing them to wealthy hipsters.

I would further suggest that the pants hanging in the closets of these thieves at home are already riddled with holes and shreds — merely because they are old and worn out, and not manufactured.

Such vintage material is fodder for the Jean Shop, you’ll discover, if you bother to visit their website.

In their About Us link, they claim to use only sustainable denim in fabricating their jeans — which they purchase in remnants from Japan! and then ship to the U.S. (can you imagine all the fuel that is burned along the way to transport rags?)

Here’s an idea. Instead of mining their denim resources in the far east, why couldn’t the Jean Shop harvest their shredded denim from the downtrodden in our own country? Why not buy American and sell American?

They could raid the closets of poor country farmers and ranchers right here in the good old U.S.A. Or, alternatively, offer to buy the pants right off their legs — as I was similarly petitioned in Red Square back in the 1980’s, by a boy who coveted my sneakers.

Then, maybe everyone would be happy.

The posers and hipsters could continue to appear as if they’ve “been workin’ on the railroad all the live-long day.”

The ranchers and farmers could afford to buy themselves a new pair without holes and shreds without having to sell off more acres of land.

And thievery (in all its manifestations) just might come to an end.

Yeah, right.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: