Divorcing My City

Take away L.A.'s water and you're left with this...

Once, this was an ocean…

FINDINGS & JUDGMENT:    Index No. 0714/09



Native New Yorker:                       Plaintiff

— against —

Los Angeles, CA:                           Defendant


The plaintiff having brought this action for judgment of Absolute Divorce by reason of inflictive climate abuse to the plaintiff by the defendant, and the summons bearing the notation “Action for a Thunderstorm to Clear the Air” having been duly served upon the defendant personally east of Crenshaw Blvd., west of Wilton Pl., south of Wilshire Blvd., north of Pico Blvd., and

the defendant having appeared and the Court having accepted photographic proof of non-compliant aridity — and the resultant odorous house ants invasions of summer — and

the plaintiff having applied on due notice to this Court at a Special Sidewalk Egg-Frying Summit  thereof, for judgment for the relief of soaring temperatures and blinding sunlight demanded in the complaint, and

this action being submitted to me for consideration on July 14, 2009, and the plaintiff having presented written proof of an I.O.U. in lieu of a state tax refund, and in support of the essential burned-out allegations of the complaint, and such proof having been considered by me,


FIRST:      That defendant did not have allergies or chronic dry eye when this action was commenced.

SECOND:   That at the time of the commencement of this action and for a continuous period of at least one year immediately preceding  such commencement, plaintiff resided under a blue-beige sky and bombardment of sunlight while engaging in a desperate dance for rain.

THIRD:      That plaintiff and defendant were joined together, specifically, in the withering, barred-window, chopper flight-path community of Koreatown, on January 1, 2008.

FOURTH:  That there are many weather issues of the marriage.

FIFTH: That defendant, without cause or justification and without consent, beginning on or about January 1, 2008, withheld from the plaintiff all manner of precipitation — refusing rain, hail, snow, and Jack Frost — and left the marital abode high and dry.

The defendant has been continuously sere and dusty and windy and smog-ridden and has not offered any relief to the plaintiff, and

further, in 1996,  upon the plaintiff’s move to Southern California, the defendant unleashed a spate of duplicitous driving rains known as El Niño, thereby tricking the plaintiff into believing that plentiful rain was to be an annual occurrence.


FIRST:          That jurisdiction as required by Section 230 of the Domestic Relations Law has been obtained.

SECOND:     That plaintiff is entitled to judgment of divorce and granting the incidental relief award of normal rainfall in the Judgment signed this date.

NOW, on the motion of ATTORNEY FOR THE PLAINTIFF, it is

ADJUDGED AND DECREED that the domestic agreement between Native New Yorker, plaintiff, and Los Angeles, C.A., defendant, has dried up and blown away, and it is further

ORDERED, ADJUDGED AND  DECREED that the defendant is authorized to return to her home state to wit: NEW YORK.

What I am reading now: The Riot Act.

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