Every Sunday in the Metropolitan section of The New York Times, a column appears called “Sunday Routine.”
In the column, the day-of-rest activities of a well-heeled artist or celebrity de jour - which are unfailingly steeped in joie de vivre, presented hipper than thou, and sounding suspiciously fabricated – appear as succinctly texted selfies (sort of type-set, look-at-me-I’m-special paragraphs) positioned beneath subheads and choreographed to the brand the subject wishes to convey.
I don’t know why I read these columns week after week. Wishful thinking? Morbid curiosity? Combing for clues on how I can convert my Sundays into days of leisure?
Probably all of the above.
So to have some fun, I borrowed the subheads and one-liners from today’s “Sunday Routine” column (bolded below); and added on responses of my own.
BTW, the “Subject” of this week’s column is a TV actor.
- Hello Sunshine
“Sunday is the most domestic day of the week. Sunday is the day when I feel the least pressure to get anything done.”
Hello Clouds. Sunday is the day when I feel the most pressure to get everything done. On Sunday, the last thing I want to think about is housework.
- Square Meal
“I make kind of a heavy, farmer’s protein breakfast…lately she’s making these green smoothies.”
At 6:30 am., very significant other makes a quick trip into the frigid outdoors to buy the paper. He returns with two sugary cinnamon rolls from Starbuck’s. Bless him.
- Reading and Writing
“Then we take care of the paperwork, or I should say the electronic work….I’ll get my laptop out and try to get a handle on the week to come.”
Very significant other leaves for work. I read parts of the newspaper — or I should say The New York Times — then I’ll get out the tarot cards and try to get a handle on my future.
- Shift Gears
“Around noon, we’re still in our jammies, and that seems wrong somehow.”
Around noon, I’m still wearing my “house clothes,” but I’m standing before the easel, and that seems totally RIGHT somehow.
- Man About Town
“I dress more formally than the other boys do. I will generally wear a tie and a vest. Not necessarily a jacket.”
Around 5:00 P.M., I’m a Woman About Town, walking down the avenue, picking up fixings for dinner. I dress, shall we say, more warmly than the other girls do. I will generally avoid eye contact — which is not necessarily unfriendly. Just street smart.
- Fans Approach
“I get recognized. It happens regularly.”
If I see someone I recognize, I dodge into a doorway. This happens regularly. Time is of the essence when hardly any of your time is free.
- Possible Detour
“My default mode is to wander. I went recently to see a show of Czechoslovakian pop-up books.”
My default mode is to get the hell out of Foodtown as fast as possible and return home. However, I went recently to the Polish deli to see their selection of perogies.
- Who’s on TV
“We’ll watch some TV event. It could be a show that either [my wife] or I have a role in that everyone hasn’t already seen.”
Now that we have binged out on every single episode of House of Cards, we have come late to the party for Six Feet Under (and loving it). Also, possibly my favorite show ever, Portlandia, is back for a new season.
- Sunday Night Blues
“I still get the old, childhood Sunday night feeling. The end of playtime and the beginning of responsibility comes over you. The Sunday night blues. I’ll take a Benadryl maybe. A Benadryl and a dull book.”
Okay, I completely agree with him on the Sunday Blues — except for the Benadryl and dull book part. If I need something dull to help me fall asleep this Sunday night, I’ll turn on the Oscars. Guaranteed instant snooze.